I feel...fear

It doesn’t happen that often.

Anxiety, yes. Uneasiness, sometimes. Anger, select moments.

I think the last time I felt truly, entirely afraid was when the 50 pound rock came tumbling in my direction on a steep scramble, 13,000 feet in the air. Or when the plane from Japan heading east, this time I’m 30,000 feet high, dropped suddenly — we all screamed.

Why do I feel fear while my feet are safely on the ground?

The insides of my bones are screaming to the point where they might crack.

Break. This country

was born broken.

How are we so divided, so at war with our beliefs?

How is:
racial justice, reproductive justice, climate justice, health justice, criminal justice
just just just
justice for every human
so hard to fight for?

Why can’t we:
control our own bodies
listen to science
welcome refugees
care about other people?

I feel fear to the point where my eyes can’t look at screens.
I’m told “take a step back, take a break,”
I hear “worrying does nothing, just wait and see,”
I read “too close to call, margins, recount, days, weeks”

I feel fear.

It doesn’t happen that often, feeling so afraid.
I won’t bury it
I won’t hide it
I’ll scream it through my bones to my breath
until it releases
until it frees

until we’re free.